That's American

Happy Summer, That’s American fans! Keep the American things comin’ — don’t forget to send your submissions to thatsamerican [at] gmail.com!

Cinco de Mayo is a day of great importance for the Mexican and Chicano communities. And also for these people, here.

In March, the folks over at Bar-S foods held a contest. It was pretty American. Above is the most unquestionably American result, but you can click the photo above to view more Bacon ‘Staches.

Some foods (and beverages) are so American, it hurts. Thanks to the anonymous That’s American reader who submitted this All-American cocktail recipe that was found online, we thought we’d not only include the photo but also the recipe so those of you who are 21+ can make your own (and we started a new category for American Recipes while we were at it).

The best American thing about it? Besides it’s red, white and blue American-ness? Pop Rocks! Personally, I would gaudy it up a bit more and finish it off by sticking a tiny American flag in it.

Boston Pops Martini

Ingredients:

lime wedge
package cherry Pop Rocks
2 1/2 oz. cranberry vodka
1/2 oz. Blue Curacao

Instructions:

1. Start with a chilled cocktail glass and rub the rim with a lime wedge. (or dip rim in lime juice such as Rose’s).
2. Open a pack of cherry flavored Pop Rocks candy and spread on a small plate or napkin. Press rim of the glass into the candy to coat rim.
3. In a shaker filled with ice, add cranberry vodka, shake and strain into prepared glass.
4. Slowly and carefully pour blue curacao in the middle of the glass, allowing it to settle in the glass. You should have two distinct layers
5. Add a small splash of lemon/lime soda.

(Recipe taken from Fine Living. Courtesy Joe Perdicaro, Zebra Bistro and Wine Bar, Medfield, Ma.)

Americans love bedazzling crap with Swarovski crystals — like cell phones, headphones, shoes, even $75,000 toilets. And? MINI Coopers. Iced-out stuff is supposed to look high-end and classy and say “I prefer the finer things in life”, but we think it says, “I’m proudly rich! I proudly have no taste!” We realize it’s incredibly difficult to tell but we think this Swarovsky-bedazzled MINI might be without question, American.

This greeted me in the That’s American mailbox this morning. This photo is clearly full of Americans but we were having a terribly difficult time trying to figure out if the young women in the forefront are native New Yorkers…

Thank you, Sandra Lee for showing real American women how to get it done. Thank you for your shitty tablescapes and recipes based on processed American food. Thank you for consistently showing us clever new ways to use crap like Cool Whip and Pudding Snacks. Also, thank you for your amazing American Innovation: Kurtain Kraft. Every woman in American owes you much, they do.

We could be wrong, but we’re sort of sure these people are Irish American.

Christian debt management. I don’t think any other three words put together could be more American. Except for maybe McDonalds apple pie…

Now, we don’t mean to make fun, because all profits received from sales of this lovely volume of poetry, Passionate Patriotic Poems, are going to The Firefighters Fund. But still.